LOVE

LOVE

Love is not something that we can really explain. Love is when you know what you want to protect, to be with someone no matter who they are, accept them as they are. Love is easy if you see it in different ways. This easy way become the hardest when some people tried to figure it out in a different way, way to difficult from the easy one to a tough one. 

When you love someone, you will know it. No hard, no pain, just love. 

“Love as the way you are”, “love the you right now”, “love yourself”, “love is to never regret”, “love is by protecting you, the one that I love, “love you till the day I die”.

All this ‘love’ words is the symbol of what ‘love’ can do, how it change that someone’s life, and how to live in this world that might be cruel to you, that might be harsh to you and left you behind. ‘Love’ is the cure when you know it. “Love’ is the unseen power that we felt ourselves, without no one to noticed it and might even ourselves that do it unconditionally or without we realized it.

The ‘love’ that I’m searching for, is the ‘love’ that are not afraid of other people including the love for the one we love or may be our enemy. Like in Bible, love is love, love your neighbors as you love your family, and love your enemy like you love your friends. Treat them equally, like the same way you love other people, love and caress them. Love is when you are ready to give all of you, to not afraid of the day ahead, to not worry about the waiting future. Love is when you really love that someone, that all you want to do is for them, to be with them with the power of love.

Some may question, “what if the person that we love is gone and no longer with us? Can we still love them? And the meaning of we want to together forever, should we just go with them and join them too?”

If it is like this, it is something that we as the human being cannot stop. No power on this earth that are able to change that from happening. There is still ‘love’, though the one that we love is gone. I don’t know is I ever experienced this, does it still count as ‘love’ too when I cry for someone that I don’t even know? I cried for my neighbor’s family member that is dead though I don’t know them that well. I cried when I hurt someone that I love either accidentally or not. I still did it because I know that I love them and my way is just different than what it seems. That ‘love’ is inside of me and I knew it that I love that person. I want to protect them but somehow they never knew it. Yes, they don’t have to know it because I love them. I love them unconditionally, I love them because I just want to love them. The way they are either bad or good, i want to accept them as they are. Maybe, i will get to know them better and love them more. They don’t have to know it. That’s my love for the people that I love. 

Sometimes, i get mad and angry with myself for hurting the people that I love. I must had hated them but, i just can’t. Because there is still love although we didn’t see it. We don’t have to see it with our eyes because we just know it by feeling it. That’s the power of “love”. 

For people that are blinded by love as some says that, “love is blind”. I guess that’s right. “Love is blind”. You don’t have to see it for that ‘love’ to appear. You just know it. If that someone lose control of his or her ‘love’, that’s what turning into obsession. Where someone will kill that someone that they love, so that no one can get them. Where someone is forcing other people to love them. Where someone is becoming aggressive, uncontrollably, and in the end losing themselves. That should not be ‘love’. Love is blind but it shouldn’t change into an obsession. 

As in many dramas or movies, love is when you are protecting that someone that you love though it might not you be with them at the end of the day. Love is when you see that someone being happy with his or her life. Love is when you becoming you, finding your true soul and know you have that ‘love’ in you. To be a better you, to be the best one that you can be, to be proud of yourself, that’s another name of ‘love’. You will eventually find that ‘love’, in and out of you. 

can I be selfish?

Can I be selfish?

Should i be selfish to myself? Should i be selfish so that i be able to keep that something that’s belong to me? I just don’t want to lose her yet because i still need her...

My people out there,

Is it a cruel thing to be selfish? Not always but, sometimes. I think people being selfish to choose the best way for them, to make them happy even for a while. If one could have superpowers, would they promise to be all kind and helpful. I don’t think so, in this world that is pictured as cruel and people are afraid of being here. Though, they still want to be in this world because of that selfishness and they wanted something that they can keep longer. If it is about treasures, wealth, clothes, you may keep in even in the hideous place so that no one won’t find it. What if it is about a person? A person that you love the most and you care about him or her. It may be your lover, parents or friends that you love and you would want it so that they could stay longer.

I’m trying to be selfish to myself. I’ve never done something like this but, if i asked for it will it be granted? I want to be selfish so that my mom could stay longer with me, so that she will still be here with me, till i can repay all her kindness and everything that she done for me and my siblings too. I am the eldest child and yet, I’m still not able to repay her. I will use the excuses of studies about this as I am still studying. But, i will be graduating next year and can i hope for a better result to repay my mom? I tried my best to be an excellent student, to achieve great results and be that everyone’s proud. But, it doesn’t look like that as it was just my imagination. The struggles is real and it is a tough road for me, especially being the eldest child. I need to be a role model and be successful. 

I did my best in every exams that i had. The result wasn’t bad but, it still not achieve that A+ level yet. I think that I’m still struggling and i will to have the best results so that i can show to my mom. Before she can go to another place. I really don’t want my mom go early but, i don’t have the power to stop this. It is all in the hand of God. I hope she can be better soon and wait for me, till i can repay her. I want my mom to watch me graduating and to wait me till i get job and be happy. I want her to stay longer, so that i know that there’s always one person, waiting for me, be my inspiration and my hope to continue this journey. 

“God, please strengthen my mother and heal her with Your Holy hand. Let Your Holy Spirit present in all of us here, now and forever to know that You are always there for us. Lord, forgive me too because of my selfishness. I just want mother to stay with me, be healthy because i still need her by my side. Please, don’t take her away from me yet because i need someone by my side. So that i can know that there’s someone that i can hold onto, someone to inspire me within as i know that i am not strong enough to handle everything alone. If this is Your will, my Lord, then i have nothing to go against it but i just want someone to stay for me, until i know it is the right time to let go. Help me to be able to forgive others and myself too as You that had forgive me. Teach me to be stronger than before and hold me in Your arms, Lord. Be with me in sadness and happiness, in sick, tough and this pave road and of this unknown destiny. Clear my heart from all the hatred and clean me as a new person again. You are my everything and that’s all i know. In Jesus name, Amen.”

That’s all of i am. Take me as whatever it is but, i promised myself to never backup again. I will content myself as it is, be that selflessness and to be that happy child that make one’s proud.   

"Reality?" "Fantasy?"

Reality? Fantasy?

Do you ever think that reality is better or fantasy is better? Sometimes, you feel that you cannot even distinguish between these two; fantasy or reality. Sometimes, one would feel that she or he rather be in fantasy than facing with the reality. It is true by the way. Because, we feel that being in the fantasy world is so much better than the reality; that is in a harsh environment with the painful things that hurting deep inside, and someone would rather to stay in the fantasy world and never coming back again to this depressed, gloomy, eerie reality. 

It is the same when we feel like we want to be young again and not getting old, I guess? (depends on one feels) We feel that becoming young is the most happiest moments in our life; we do not to worry about anything and we can even be careless at all times. We feel like the world belong to ours and we can even think to share it with other people. We can create our own moments; with someone and anyone around us and we would never want to care a lot about anything, just living the life like there is no tomorrow. We feel blissful, delight and joyful all the times and the sadness, miserable feelings never able to penetrate our young world. The moment being young again is the most wonderful and it ain’t like feeling this adult moments. Adult moments when we have to worry about many things and it is all up to us, if we do it wrong everything then just turned wronger. Everything began to crush, scattering around into a lot pieces. We need to find a way to find and connect that missing pieces into one and one would have the hardest times in his or her life. They began to give up, with a wretched feeling and had a feeling that makes them fear and keep haunting them, maybe for the rest of their life. We never know what one would feel, we never know what had happened to him or her and we never know about their own story. Everyone of us here, have their own story of their life and no one want to be left behind. I wonder if there is any one of us that never wanted his or her story to be told, maybe there are and that, we never know whose. 

Anyway, everyone deserves to retold their own story. Either through the songs, written stories, books or anything that they think fit them and enable them to retold theirs. 

Back to our topic; “Reality or Fantasy?’,

I think that must be the reason why we have all the fantasies. To leave this painful and miserable reality, for a while. To rest ourselves, from all the stresses that we had, for a while. To run from the problems that occur, for a while. Need for that moments to escape, for a while. Just, a while, only that...

Not trapped in that fantasies, for a long time. No... It should not be like that because it is just, for a while...

One tends to be trapped and not able to escape from fantasy. It is good to have fantasies, it enhance our creative ability and makes one to be able to improved something to be better for the future. 

I was once, trapped in that fantasy and I don’t really find the way out. It was hard for me, I was struggling a lot to distinguish between those two; reality and fantasy. Fantasy is the place where I can express myself more, with no one to know. I can express myself, my self that is never exposed to others; that they never knew bout’ it before. I can use that one reason to escape to this fantasy world, for a moment, to escape from all the stresses that i had. No one ever know what I had been through but, I did find the strength from my fantasy world. To be stronger and tougher than before, to escape from being that nerdy girl; shy and innocent one. Now, i am trying to express myself more, talking to a lot of people that I’ve scared before cause I never want to meet people at the first place unless they talked to me first then, I would have to talk to them. 

Being in fantasy, I would say that it was great and still do till now, in which I’m trying to control myself to not drowning to deep and still able to face this painful reality. 

I will find that strength, be tough than before and face this reality that might be painful. It is painful but that’s how life should be as everything is never that easy at the beginning. I believe there would be greater success in the end, with glory and we can learn a lot from all the experiences, the struggles that we had in this life.

Let’s face the reality that might seems unreal at a moment and use that fantasy power that we have to be able to face it.

“Reality or fantasy?” Or “Reality and fantasy?”

It is yours to decide it.…

My Beautiful Moments

my beautiful moments in my life. i had spent my life for 21 years now and i haven't seen anything that i can impress myself. but, one thing that i know that is the beautiful moments of our life. it can be forever or it can be temporary. for me, it is forever. how long is that forever? it is just a moment. 

appreciate, love and embrace all the memories that you have now and put in in a frame of your life.

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imagine,

if you are going to lose your memory now, what would you do? would it distressed you a lot? trying to remember the pieces of your memories that you never knew. you felt that you should just killed yourself than trying to remember and find the missing pieces of your life. should you or not?

"i do not anything. i am a dumb person. i should have died than remembering and connect this missing pieces of mine. i should not be here."

what if that person whose losing his or her memories accept the truth and reality that he or she had lost that missing pieces of them?

"i will try to find another way out of here. whatever it takes, wherever it brings me, i will face it all. i must and can find my own identity. i do not know if my reality or that missing pieces are good or bad for me, but i will find it and i will accept everything that happen."

could it happen that way? what do you think? you may have different opinion than i am and that's our uniqueness. we are human and we have our very own way to interpret and comprehend that everything that happened in our life. 

do you think that you had have enough of everything? will it be that perfect or imperfect in your life? are you waiting for that glimpse of hope to shine or for someone to help in your life? waiting for someone to feel the way that you feel? will you say that you have your precious and beautiful moments now? what are your beautiful moments in your life? think of it and keep it to your frame of life.

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my beautiful moments of my life. wondering what are mine? well....,

could it be nothing or something? can i figure it out on my own? i guess that i could. i should, right?

this life is not over yet, but it feel like it would be. i try to gather all my beautiful and precious memories. did i do it correctly? and yeah, we never know that it would be wrong or right. 

my 21 years of life, and there had been too many that happened. i try to recall it. reminder for me as today is Mother's Day, i will write of my beautiful moments with my mother.

 she will be turning 40 this year and i never realized that. she is old already and as the eldest child, i haven't done anything yet. i can say that i am still 'zero' now. but, i want to remember my memories with my mother and all the struggles and difficulties that she had gone through in her life. i know that she had gone through too much and i really want to lessen her burden. i remember all the love and the patience that she have as she raised us all(my siblings). i tried my best to help my parent and now i am here. trying my best and give the all of me. life gets harder but most people say life would become more easier than the past. well, i hope that it would be like that one day. this life now is demanding. it wants more. it want to be perfect. 

what about us, the ordinary one? can we overcome it?

i will remember my mother's advice for me. it is getting tougher and harder for you, young people. but, never give up. the past could be past but let it be a lesson for all of us. take that every challenges that come toward you and grabs all the opportunity that you have. do not miss a thing. if you miss it, reflect on yourself and try to get on the right track of your life. 

"i can never get back to the way i was before. and, i can never change that. there were some thing that i missed and i sometimes regret it. but, i can never take that as my weaknesses and i need to face the future. and, i am more grateful of the people around me that supports me. i may not be as successfull as others and i hope i can chase my own dream too. it never happen but i can still hope on it. i will face it all. my weakness is my strength."

>beautiful moments<

love yourself

be yourself...

sometimes, you act like you and sometimes, no. it is normal for all of us. it's called 'human facts.' 

never knew who you are?

never feel like yourself?

or...

are you confusing of being you? the true you?

it is so hard when people feel this way, that they even take a full risk by completely changing their true self.

you are what you are.

you are what you want to be.

love you like you love yourself.

how can you do this? how to love yourself?

>>my experience<<

i was a quiet and shy person. i was always being alone and is the easiest to be bullied. you can see me sitting alone there, at a place where people would not see me. sometimes, i feel like i want to be gone from the world. sometimes, i hope that i can be seen by others too. because, every time i was always being left out and be a lonely girl. it was the hardest time for me that i even think to leave this world too. i remembered that i was bullied by this bad little girl, who always pick on me all the time. i was fat at that time and this little fat girl will always being bullied by others. that bad little girl will always pinch my chubby cheeks and that one time was the hilarious thing that she did. in which she spit at me and put that green-runny-liquid from her nose to me. it was a yuck!!! i even cried at the school especially when there is extra-class (tuition) on the evening. i will wait at the outside, near the gates school and this some evil child will mimicking me and called me, "FAT GIRL."

it was so depressed at that time. i do not what did i do wrong to them. are they that perfect? are they that mighty that they want to pick on me? come and fight me, one-on-one, face-to-face.

but, it didn't worked that way. i ended up being bullied again and all that left me is, depression and stress.

anyway, i feel relieved. there were some friends that still care for me. they didn't spent that much time with me but, it's enough that i can have them by my side. this one friend of mine even chased away the other child that bullied me at that time. i grew up, with her. until, one time we have to be separated from each other because she is married, without telling me. it is hard to lose your friend in that little time. 

but, i think i grew up mature now. i try to balance myself. accept all the annoying words from the bully. and retrieve myself from being that depressed people again. did i do a good job? should i do this? can i handle this later?

i give a chance for myself, love myself and gathering the confidence that i have. i pick up my courage and face them. they don't even know what are they doing, right? blessed them, for making you to be who you are now. believe in yourself. 

and yes, there are bad and good side inside ours. it's the "Yin" and "Yang" of our life. we need to balance it. 

gather some courage, gather the confidence in you, gather your faith.

it is your time to shine!! it is your moment now!!

but, do not be a bully!! Remember that!!!

love exist among you. love others like you love yourself too. love can cure everything in this world and even the haters. love them.

love is your strongest weapon ever. do not misused love. love with your moderate heart, kind-hearted.

and, most important,

LOVE YOURSELF!!!   

Beautyz

First of all, i want to thank all the people that have being my friends and i really appreciate all the love that you have poured for me. as time goes by, people go and some may change and be a different person. some may remind about you and keep you in their memories. some may not but it does not matter at all. you just need to be happy because you had been a part of them in the past and now, you should never let the chances go again and made a new friends in the future. i am grateful because i have these two friends who are always by my side. they are named as "A" and "P". i love them so much that i do not want to be separate from them one day. it may change in the future later but i want to spend my time preciously with them and enjoy this life with them. the first time i met with them was when i first entered my university's life. i was alone at that time. there are some friends that went to the same university as mine but we have different courses and thus, we are being separated from each other. i still remember the first time when i met these two friends and it was when we were trying too find our group members as there should be three members in a group. but, i could not join them at that time because i went to another group and that is how our first semester of the university's life started. we had spent many times together and it is so much fun knowing that there are people by your side always and forever. sometimes, we had to separate and spend our own time with our own family and as the saying goes, "home sweet home". i wish i can enjoy this moment in the university with my precious friends and i am thankful to the people surrounds me. some may hate and some may love us. we just need to live this life to the fullest and enjoy it, make new memories and keep the memories of the past too. now, we are in our 4th semester which is in second year of study. next semester would be our third year and it would be the last. anyway, i hope that i can make more memories with them and i will always be missing them more. they are my beautyz club members, we are always being ignored by others but sometimes, there are some people that recognize us and that make us feel good. we just live in our own world while nobody's knowing about us. i will miss you two, girls. 

Friendship

Friend...someone that can be really close with us, better than our own family member. Is it or not? That choice is up to you. For me, they are both important in our life, no matter who they are and where they come from. They are who they are and we should be proud of who we are. 

Strangely, we are closer to our friends than our own family members, right? That's true and we can't deny it anyway. The only one reason is that, they are always be with us and friendship is when they are together though there are happiness or sadness. That would be the true friendship ever. 

From my own experience, I had never knew what is 'friendship' and I will always being left behind. I remember about this old friend of mine. she was my best friend since we were in primary three till high school ( Form 3). I had known her for almost 7 years but, she suddenly disappeared one day without any news. I was so worried about her because there aren't any news from her. One day, I heard the news of her being married. I was dumbfounded at that time and surprised because she got married without telling me and that's hurt me even more. I wish I could be with her and that she should tell me everything because we are friends. I don't know if she really think me as her friend but, I try to understand her and since the news of her being married, I made new friends and befriends others. Deep in my heart, I wish that she will never forget me that once her friend before. And, gladly a few years after, about four years later I heard of her news again. It may seem different now because we haven't met for a long time and thanks to the technologies nowadays especially the social network such as Facebook and Wechat, we are reconnect again and messaging each other, asking how's life. I bet she is happy with her own life and that she had a wonderful son though she had divorced with her husband and recently, she is in love again with someone from our primary school. I don't hate her and I want to know that I will always think of her as my friend, no matter what will happens from now and in the future. And, I hope that she will enjoy her life and will not be broken-hearted twice. I want her to know that I will always support her no matter what happens because i am always there for her and that I really appreciate our friendship. 

p/s: I am your friend forever.